Depression, a view from the inside

Depression, a view from the inside.

Poor Robin Williams. A long-term solution for a short-term problem. That’s what they say, isn’t it? ‘They’ being people who’ve probably never had to live with depression.

I’ve struggled with depression all my adult life. And anxiety. And life. For people with a brain chemistry like mine, the whole bloody business of just being alive is dangerous and difficult.

Let me explain, as best I can through my foggy brain, what having depression feels like.

I wake up very early every morning with a split second of OK-ness, followed immediately by a sledge hammer blow of despair to the solar plexus. If my anxiety is up, I feel what I call The Eagle of Fear flapping at the end of my bed, saying “I’m coming to get you” over and over again. I’m terrified. Sometimes I’m already crying. I don’t feel like I’ve been to sleep at all. My body feels like it’s made of lead.

The horror of having to do a whole day again comes crashing in and I turn over and try to go back to sleep. It never works, because my mind is shouting at me. “There’s no point! You’re useless! There’s nothing out there for you! Give up, shut up, you were never of any value! You can’t do anything right!”

Trying to actually achieve anything becomes harder and harder.

My depression is such that I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself. There’s a difference.

So I just have to go through the pain, not round it or under it, just through it and I will come out the other side eventually. It’s better that just one person is suffering, rather than more. And anyway, when I’m good, I’m great. If I have to feel like the walking dead for the time being, then so be it.

I know I’ll get better because I’ve done it before, although this one feels like the worst ever but it probably isn’t, and because everybody tells me it won’t last for ever. It feels like it will though. That’s what depression is, an illness that makes you think its lies are the truth

it’s impossible for those of us with depression to reach out to you, we’re stuck in our prison.

I believe the days of “pull yourself together” are over, thankfully, and most people know that depression is a mental illness and not just a case of someone being a bit fed up.

Here are some other things that might help:

• Firstly, don’t try and cheer us up. We can’t be jollied out of this, it feels terminal and as Robin Williams has shown us today, it can be.
• And please don’t expect us to tell you all about it. We can’t. It’s too big.
• Your solutions aren’t helpful. Ask us what we want to do about it instead; it’s our illness, we know how it feels and we might not be ready to move yet. Hopefully we will one day, when we’re ready, but not right now.
• Be consistent and reliable. If you say you’re going to call, then call. Don’t change the plan at the last minute. Please don’t let us down, even in a tiny way.  Even if we don’t show it, we are grateful for your ability to be a constant in an ever-changing world.
• Keep reassuring us that this won’t last for ever. We think it will. But we hear you.
• Accept us as we are today. We’re not lazy, we’re unwell. It’s like a broken leg of the mind, it takes a while to heal. Don’t try to hurry us up.
• Don’t be upset if we refuse your help. Keep offering it. One day we’ll say yes.
• Walking’s good. Dogs are good. Walking dogs is great. But a day out at the zoo is too much.
• Text us every morning, just to say hello. We won’t reply, but we’ll know you’re there.
• Hold our hand. Give us a hug and don’t break away until we do. You may not be able to reach our minds but our bodies will register your care.
• Don’t ask anything of us. We have nothing to give. You’ll be the first to know when we have. We can’t deal with stress, or pressure, or any of their more insidious relations like time-keeping and good manners. We are too busy trying to stay alive.

If you’re depressed right now, then let’s remember that we only have to do today, that’s all. Nothing more. We can do just a day, can’t we? And don’t forget, we haven’t always been like this. The good days will come back. We’ve just go to do as much as we can, when we can.